So what do you do when it’s completely obvious you’re just not

meant to be together? You break up. Or, you try to break up,

don’t quite hit the mark, and end up sucked back into the awful

relationship for round two, because you just couldn’t make it stick.

Is there a way to make it permanent without causing permanent

damage?

The key is to have a plan, a good plan.

Location, Location, Location.

It’s really important to pick a good strategic breakup setting.

The best places to have "the talk" are both public but fairly private,

with a convenient escape route. The best location? Outside,

walking at a park. It’s crowded enough to ensure you won’t have

a big scene, but private enough your dumpee won’t feel like he or

she is naked at a funeral. Other agreeable breakup locales include

restaurants (but not a favorite restaurant) or a walk around the

block. The worst place to break up? At a party or work. The only

thing worse than being dumped is being dumped in front of people

you’re going to have to see on a regular basis.

Timing Is Everything.

Another key to effective breakups is precise timing. Breaking

up at a park gives both your dumpee and you the chance to

leave once the deed is done. If you’re ending the relationship

at a restaurant, do it only after the check has come and you’ve

paid for dinner. (And by the way, if you’re about to dump someone,

you should DEFINITELY be buying dinner.) There’s nothing more

horrifying than being dumped and then having to sit around

making small talk for another 20 minutes while you’re waiting

for the check to come. (As in, "Hey Lula, what are you doing

now that you don’t have plans for tonight? Laundry?")

Happy Freaking Birthday.

Never break up with someone within two weeks of a major

holiday or his/her birthday. Make that a month for Valentine’s

Day and Christmas. There’s no faster entry to the Bitch/Bastard

Hall of Fame than permanently destroying the holidays for your

soon-to-be-ex. It’s just not nice, and you don’t want that

what-goes-around-comes-around thing biting you in the ass

when your turn as the dumpee rolls back around.

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

The first thing to remember is not to drag it out. The longer

it takes, the worse it is for everybody involved. Whenever

you end the relationship, be sure to make your reasons

relevant only to you. Say, "This is not working for me." Stick

with your basis and keep repeating yourself over and over if

necessary. It’s impossible for someone to argue with you

about reasons that pertain only to you. If you end up getting

sucked into a situation where you have to list grounds for

wanting it over, you may find yourself in for an encore. If you

say, "we fight too much" or "you don’t seem happy" your

partner may offer to change, taking all the air out of your

break-up and landing you right back in the relationship.

Hire A Hit Man.

Worst-case scenario, you’re too much of a weenie to

breakup with your girl or guy yourself, you can always

resort to the newest companion service to online dating.

For a fee, letsbreakup.com will inform your wish-you-were-

my-ex of the relationship’s demise by phone, email or snail